Prodded? Wasn't that Pokey's Friend?...

We have started shots.  A little painful, the shots are, but then we've already decided that I'm a masochist, so don't feel too bad for me.  It is really not the shot that hurts.  At this point, I'm an old pro at needles.  Desperate as it appears and is to be injected with a sharp hollow instrument repeatedly, I think it is more of the thickness of the solution being injected into my belly fat that causes the discomfort. 

It is really desperate, don't you think?  Anyone that is willing to be injected or willing to inject themselves is in a bad way, regardless of how cool they play it.  Diabetics need the insulin to survive.  Cancer patients welcome with a more than healthy amount of dread the IV bag full of life-saving and cell-killing chemo.  Illegal drug users willingly and excitedly inject any vein they can muster just to feel different, better and to avoid the feelings withdrawal... and then there are people like me who opt to be injected and poked and prodded all with the hopes that this potion and this treatment will work...  It sure sounds desperate when I put it that way, doesn't it?

About a week ago we got our large shipment of fertility drugs from the fancy IVF pharmacy located somewhere in New Jersey.  Each night Husband mixes three vials of medicine into one CC syringe.  I swipe the area with an alcohol swab while pinching up as much stomach area as I can.  I've found that holding the area, pinched up as much as possible, makes it hurt less and also causes less bruising.  For a long while I'd only let Husband inject me if I was laying down on the couch.  Now, after several goes at injections, I stand there and take it.  Laying down doesn't take away the unpleasantness of the whole experience.  I've read blogs and message boards where other infertiles mentioned using ice to numb the area being shot up... we've never tried it, but I'm sure if you are very pain sensitive, it might help.

Through this all, I've learned that I'm not very pain sensitive.  I may look frail, but in all actuality, I'm pretty tough.  Heaven help the women with infertility problems if she is pain sensitive or at least needle phobic (having not been through the egg retrevial process, I may find it horribly uncomfortable and painful).

Two weeks ago when we first started down the IVF route we, meaning myself and Husband, had to get a large amount of blood work done.  At this point I'm used to the blood letting... and when the nurse told us that we'd get to go ahead and get it over with that day, I was happy.  Husband's leg just started shaking.... harder. 

I didn't flinch when the nurse pulled out six vials (three big, three little).  I didn't get pale when she wrapped the rubber strap around my arm.  I didn't get that hot, sweaty feeling when she told me to make a fist.  I don't watch the blood drawing from my own arm, just like I don't watch Husband when he sticks the needles into my flesh,  but I don't get panicky about the whole process either... not anymore.

My other half, on the other hand, doesn't do so well with the blood drawing.  He was pale and shaky and had to get water to drink after the letting was over.  The entire time she was drawing my blood she was asking him if he was okay.  Did he feel alright?  Did he need to lay down?  I found it quiet humorous...

We decided that I'm the man... those where his words to me after I had sailed through the whole process without much complaint:  "You're the Man, Emily." 

In his defense... he wasn't prepared for having to get blood drawn, nor did she use the arm he normally uses for this sort of procedure, and I get blood drawn all the time thanks to all the fertility medication that we've been injecting for the last 6 months or so. 

I go back to the doctor tomorrow to see if the medication is making lots of little follicles...  if we are on track, behind or ahead.  I probably will get more blood drawn tomorrow... and hopefully know more about what is in store!

And before I forget, I hope you are having a good Valentine's Day :)

Just When You Think That Leaving Work will be the Highlight of Your Day, in Walks a Girl Scout...

I had a double baby shower after work today.  Two of my co-workers are pregnant and soon will be giving birth.  I'm excited for them, but mostly I'm glad that I'm not having to be pregnant with them, together.  One has been big pregnant since the school year started. People are always telling her she must be having twins and that she looks like she is going to pop at any moment.  The other one has just started showing and finally looks pregnant.  If I had been her (the little one), I'd gone crazy already thinking something was way wrong with me... or if I were in the other girls' shoes (big prego), I'd gone crazy thinking that I'm way too big! 

Regardless, after spending about twenty minutes small talking with some co-workers, I decided it was time for me to leave.  I walked back to my office to gather my belongings and go home.  It had been a really long day and even though we are trying for a baby, baby stuff--especially other people's baby stuff--doesn't interest me much. 

Happily, a Girl Scout happened to be standing outside my office door talking to the receptionist. 

I don't know about you, but I love Girl Scout cookies... so I asked her, "Are you selling cookies?"  Of course she was and the best part was that I got to buy and get them today!  No waiting.  I ordered 4 boxes of Peanut Butter Patties, two boxes of Thin Mints, and one box of Peanut Butter Sandwiches for the Husband.  I think at $3.50 a pop, it was money well spent.  And I would like to mention, this was the most polite and well behaved Girl Scout that I've encountered in a very long time.

I really do love Girl Scout cookies.  I don't know if it is because you can only get them one time a year or if it is because they are made with real Girl Scouts.  But eithery way they are a delight... plain and simple.

I realize that tomorrow's acupuncturist may not agree with me about their nutritional value... they in fact may add inches to my waist line and slow down my digestion, but c'mon.  Girl Scout Cookies... really?  Totally worth it!

I hope that you've found the brightside to your Thursday too!

Beyond Help...

Today as I was writing another check to the fertility doctor's office for another ungodly amount and I found myself struggling with my pocketbook.  As I struggled, trying to get my wallet back into my bag I said aloud, "I hate this bag."  The check-out lady smiled at me, knowingly... who hasn't struggled with their pocketbook from time to time?
But then is occurred to me, if I really hate this bag, then why have I been carrying this bag for more than a year?  Maybe two years?  Could it have been that long?  I really do hate that bag... sometimes. 

Sure, it is pretty... Nice, metallic leather with plenty of storage space... but I swear this bag has taken years off my life.  I'm always loosing keys and money and lip balm in it's many compartments. I think at least once a day I find myself looking for something panicked that I've lost something important, only to find it hiding deep inside one of the many pockets.

But for years-- well, at least 12 months-- I've been toting this bag around, proudly.  Occasionally I'd catch a glimpse of myself carrying it and see its subtle metallic leather shimmer in the reflective surface of the automatic doors at the Target and then I'd forget how much trouble this bag really is.  It is a smart, sophisticated bag. 

But as I stood at the check-out at the fertility doctor's office, struggling with the bag, I blurted out, "You know I'm such a masochist... which is why I'm here all the time."

I think I might be beyond help.

Thinking back on it, I've always been one of those people that felt like something was working if it burned or stinged.  I'd go for chemical peels and complain to the facialist if it wasn't burning.  I wear my retainer at night, even though it hurts because the pain tells me that something is working!  What if I really am a masochist?

I'm gladly signing up for painful medical procedures and I'm barely complaining about it.  I have the Husband stab me with needles over and over... subject myself to early morning appointments and face rush hour traffic all with the end in mind.  Now we are in the big leagues of infertility and again, I'm facing it all with the end in mind... with a smile on my face.

Maybe I am a little bit of a masochist... but maybe all women are.  After all, most women subject themselves to motherhood at some point, most of which involves pregnancy and pregnancy results in misshapen bodies, weight gain, stretch marks, big bulging leg veins, and ultimately a painful birthing experience.

So maybe it's not just me... an even if I'm a masochist, I feel better knowing I'm never alone!

Blah. Blah. Blogging...

As promised here is a little IVF update, coming your way.  It is a little past due, my update, which I will explain. 

In a nut shell, two weeks ago we met with my doctor who sort of talked us through the procedure, the up's, the down's... the risks.  Then this week we got to meet with the nurse for our education class where she talked us through the medications and more of the procedure... the up's, the down's... the risks.  Sounds negative, but I really felt positive after each of these meetings.  My doctors and nurses are very supportive, funny, and compassionate individuals. 

In another two weeks, give or take, if things go as planned, in two Saturdays time we will be back to injecting medication, just as much higher doses than ever before.  It's a little scary... not so much the injections, just the higher doses.

The part that sticks out the most is that the nurse said I remind her of Sally Field.  I've never been compared to a famous person before...   You remember back when AOL was like the only way to access the Internet and people would send those chain survey emails out where you would fill in personal answers to questions?  I used to love those things... I could spend hours filling them out.  Probably because I was 14 and silly and very self-centered.

Regardless, they'd always ask some sort of questions like:  if your life was to be made into a movie, what movie star would play you?  I never knew how to answer that questions-- I never thought I looked like anyone famous... I think I look like some family members.. but you know what I mean.  Actually, I thought it was strange when someone could answer that question.  I know Newt didn't have that problem the other day with the whole Brad Pitt thing... but I just always thought it strange.  Anyway...  now, according to the nurse, I should have been putting "Sally Field" into the email. 

As for the reason for my long break in blogging... back in December my boss sent out an email (not the fun survey email wanting to know my favorite color, food, and jean brand) asking us to consider working several Saturdays in the new year to learn about a new instructional method.  We'd be compensated for our time, and being a little money starved I signed on...

I signed on thinking, how bad can it be?  Last Saturday was our first in the series of 4 Saturdays... and to my surprise, the training was good.  Very informative.  Very relavent.  And the time flew by.  Before I knew it, I was at home catching some Z's in a nice Saturday afternoon nap. 

And then Sunday flew by.  Fast.  Then it was Monday morning and I was feeling a little bit like I never left or had a break or had some down time.  Guess what?

I got to work this Saturday too!

What's that movie with the guy who talks about how all work and no play makes him go crazy?  It doesn't matter really, the point is... I'm starting to feel like him.  All work and no down time makes me a very dark and twisty individual.

I've not been a mood to write.  And the only reason it is happening now is because my poor mother listened to me vent for about an hour and thirty minutes this afternoon over supper. 

The bright side, I think I can talk the Husband into being Smokey and the Bandit for Halloween and my Very Scary 30th Birthday party this year!  What ya think about that!

Christmas Check-Off List..

I had acupuncture today.  While Kolleen was taking my pulse-- the customary way we start all my sessions: just after discussing my bowel habits in detail and just before she looks at my tongue's fuzz-- she asked me if I've been having trouble focusing and remembering things.  I'm not sure how taking my pulse can tell her these sort of things, but she was spot on.  Not only am I having trouble remembering things, but I'm having trouble remembering to remember to do things.

So I'm taking time to do a little reflective Christmas Check-Off List:

1. Have You Purchased All Your Christmas Presents?  Thought so, but after talking to the Sister, I found out that I have at least one more gift to purchase, probably tomorrow, for our Aunt and Uncle as well as finish stocking stuffers for the Husband.  Sister is lucky-- she just got married and is basically giving pictures as gifts...or at least that is what I would do if I had just gotten married.  In fact, five Christmas' ago I did just that! 
2. Have You Wrapped All Your Christmas Presents? No. The Christmas Gifts are not wrapped. Although many are. Remember that part above about forgetting things-- I went to Michaels' today-- twice. I was only supposed to go once-- to get what I thought then was the last few Christmas presents and tissue paper so I could start and finish wrapping presents. But I got so distracted from picking out the "last two" presents that I forgot all about the tissue paper until I had paid and was in the parking lot going to the next store for another present that I had forgotten all about. So I had to go back for the tissue paper... So soon, the presents will be wrapped and the mess on my living room floor will be cleared.
3. Have You Cleaned the House for Santa?  Nope.  But the Husband and I are planning to have a small gathering-- mostly our folks and etc., over for dessert and the best hot chocolate ever on Friday night, so probably before then I'll get to mopping and junk.  You know Santa doesn't come to messy houses?  Right?
4. Have You Done Your Holiday Shopping at the Dreaded Grocery Store?  Not yet.  I'm making a list tonight.  I hate going to the grocery store, but I'm thinking that sometime during the day tomorrow it won't be such a pain the ass to go.  I read somewhere that you are best prepared to deal with stressful situations first thing in the morning-- I suppose that is why tests (pregnancy and state standardized) are recommended for mornings. 
5. Have You Baked Anything Yet?  Not exactly, but I plan to for the 'Just Desserts' gathering.
6. Have You Decorated Your House-- Inside and Out?  Yes!  We finished last week.  I finally broke down and got greenery for the first four windows, wreaths for the kitchen windows and tear drop swags for under the coach lights by the doors.  I tied the bows and everything-- even though I don't really know how to properly tie a bow-- it probably has something to do with me being a lefty and that I never took Horticulture I in High School-- who knew that bow-tying was part of the curriculum?  From a distance you can't tell and that is all that matters.
7. Have You Gotten the Perfect Dirty Santa Gift for Christmas at Grandma's?  Yes.  I have the best gift E-V-E-R!  A pornament from Spencer Gifts-- blown glass and cute as pie-- it's Santa bending over his pile of gifts and his black thong is peaking out along with a tattoo on his cute little butt!  I think it is going to be a big hit...

Aside from ruining any chance of a Christmas surprise for the Husband, I'm feeling good about my chances of turning all the no's to yes' and I'm thinking that most likely tomorrow I'll be done with Christmas shopping and possibly Christmas present wrapping.  And it is not hard to ruin a surprise when you basically call up your husband and tell him that you are buying a J. Crew wool coat.  It wasn't meant to be a Christmas present, but try explaining that to the Husband...

I sure hope I've not forgotten anything...

And the Waiting Ends...sort of...

My period started.  Can you feel the relief?  I've not been this happy to see a period since that time during my senior year of high school.  But we won't go into that right now.  Regardless I'm so very happy to get this fertility show on the road...

So the next morning after getting the not-so-monthly-visitor, I called up the friendly RE's office to schedule an appointment. 

7:45am.  I got Matter-of-Fact Nurse this time.  She is very nice, but blunt... which generally I appreciate in a person.  She led me back to the examining room, plugs my name  into the ultrasound machine.  The CNA was putting what must be some sort of condom on the internal probe-- and regardless of how many times I see them do that, it always takes me by surprise.

Minutes later I'm in the stirrups, waiting for the probe.  Matter-of-Fact Nurse inserts and up on the screen, next to a bunch of baby follicles is a rather large 4 inch cyst on my left ovary.  Funny, I wasn't expecting that.  If I had just finished a cycle I would have, but it has been weeks since we've done any sort of cycle.  Funny.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.

So we've got two options... 1) wait this cycle out and hope over time it will go away with my next period or 2) take two weeks worth of birth control pills to try to make the giant disappear.  After thinking it over for about two seconds, I told her to get me the pills. 

I'm very much against birth control pills.  I feel that some, if not a lot, of my condition was made worse by years and years of taking them.  But in college, after the scare in high school, I was determined to regulate my period and take away the worry for good.  And for someone like me, who hoards stress, less worry was just what I needed-- at the time.  Now I have a whole new set of worries.  Don't think the irony of the situation is lost on me.

So now I am taking the pill... again.  And from there we will try this again, from the top.  The good news is that I will be on Christmas break!  Don't tell me that God doesn't have a plan greater than mine!

Southern Living Should Hire Me--Seriously...

So I'm thinking of sending these pictures to Southern Living. I'm not going to brag or anything, but I think I do a great job decorating trees and possibly a better job than the people who currently are decorating for them and maybe they'd like to hire me???

Decorating trees was a talent that I didn't know I had until I got married. Up until then, I let my mom do the decorating. I had absolutely no interest in putting ornaments or ribbon on a tree and frankly I didn't understand why so many people, namely my mother-in-law, got their panties in a wad about Christmas decorations and Christmas trees in the first place.

But then I got a tree of my very own... with decorations of my very own and of my choosing. And a new addiction was born.

This year our house looks like a damned florist showroom. Two full-sized live trees are in our living room and foyer and the cheap white artificial tree from the Dollar General is greeting our backdoor guests in the back entry. For a while there I thought that my house along with myself would be permanently covered in glitter and I began to understand why back in 2001 my mother banned glitter from my possession and threatened to cut me off financially if I ever dared bring that crap back into her house. Glitter is everywhere... I literally found it in my Kleenex after blowing my nose--you know you look at your snot too.

Regardless, before you view these pictures, keep a couple things in mind. Mainly, we have not been in the dream house for long... so don't expect architectural digest quality furnishings. Currently we've decorated in the style of "early attic" and over the coming months and years that will change.

Secondly, please remember that I'm not a photographer, regardless of how well I did in a black and white photography class in undergrad. These were taken with my point and shoot Cannon after a very long day at work so bare with me...

Finally, keep in mind that my decorating style for the interior of my house is somewhere between modern-contemporary and traditional and I believe, firmly, that less is more-- except when it comes to my Christmas trees. I believe in excess... over-the-top, jammed-packed-full of spirited goodness when it comes to my trees. And if you want to argue the point with me that too-full trees are just too much, please let me point out that having a tree in your house is an already out-there concept so why not just dive in and go crazy. This is the one time of year when more is completely acceptable!

Enjoy...

The Memory Tree
The big tree in the foyer is my stab at traditional red and green Christmas. I like to think of this tree as our memory tree. Each year I add a new framed picture to our tree of our Christmas card (this year makes 5 married Christmas' together) and each year I add a new Radko ornament that my grandmother gives us as a present from the year before. I also use burlap on my tree as a homage to our livelihood--tobacco farming. My tree skirt is an actual tobacco sheet-- and reminds me of when I was little sheeting tobacco on my daddy's farm with my whole family. Husband still grows tobacco and I love how I was able to incorporate our background and culture into this tree.

Please excuse the bare walls. After Christmas I plan on having a metallic wallpaper hung to tie in the metallic paint in the dinning room in with the rest of the house.

The Safari Tree in the Living Room

Last year I knew, even though we had not started building yet, that I wanted to do blue and browns in my living room. And so last year at an after-Christmas sale at Dewayne's I stocked up on blue, gold and brown ornaments. This tree is the "Safari" tree because I have all sorts of subtle animal references throughout. The ribbon is a mix of gold and glittery cheetah print & velvet-y brown and cream zebra print. Pheasant feathers and blue rooster feathers are throughout and tucked into branches are balls covered in pheasant and peacock feathers. The colors go great with what little decor I have. You'll notice some burgundy chairs peaking in my pictures-- don't worry they will be blue, green and brown stripes soon!

For this particular tree I did not use a topper. Instead I used feathers, artificial brown hydrangeas and loops of ribbon to create the illusion of a tree topper.

The Naughty Tree

This tree was purchased at a Dollar General 5 years ago for about 30 bucks. It is bare and cheap, but a dream to decorate. Because it is just about hollow I basically dump ornaments of various shapes, sizes and texture into the bald spots and then when I think the the tree can't hold anymore items I start stuffing in more things. Those of you that are super critical will notice that the bottom is barely lit because Christmas lights hate me and burnt out already. But I think the tree still looks good and fun.

You'll notice that for all of my tree skirts I've swaddled some sort of fabric around each base or trunk. I simply go to the local fabric store and purchase about two yards of a good quality fabric that will compliment my decorations. I prefer this method of dressing my tree trunk for two reasons-- no sewing and it adds to the lushness of my decorations I hope that you enjoyed my trees.

Maybe I'll get some more pictures in the days and weeks to come. I hope you are enjoying your Christmas decorating... for now I've got to start working on Christmas Cards!

Merry! Merry! Everyone!

Wait for it...

I'm anxiously awaiting my period to start.  Having been prescribed Provera to bring on a period and nothing happening south of the border, I'm a little worried.  I've read online that it can take some time... like anywhere between 7 to 14 days.  And even though I'm well within that 14 day window, I'm ready to get this period going. 

I had a little fantasy that we'd be back in the RE's office doing our last-ditch-effort-before-IVF-cycle right around Thanksgiving and that we'd be looking at our first postive pregnancy test just in time for Christmas.  Talk about a great Christmas present!  But my body, as always, is doing it's own thing.

And it probably is for the best-- I've been super busy at work.  I even had to cancel a much needed acupunture appointment because of all the maddness... at least for this last week I've had no time for early morning RE probes and blood draws.

But speaking of blood drawing... I had a sort of physical yesterday at home.  A few days ago the Husband and I decided it was time for me to get more life insurance, so the insurance company sent this cute little lady out to draw my blood, ask one hundred probing questions, and make me pee in a cup.  Just when I thought my veins would be safe for at least a few more days, there she was with her little butterfly needles and blood viles. 

Yuck.  But I'm anxious to see if everything checks out.  I was shocked to see that my weight has dipped considerably more than I thought it had.  Eating healthy has really paid off.  All the happy weight I gained over the last four years has been shed and for the first time since I can remember I don't complain of feeling so bad all the time... and my size 00 fit again.

Who would have thunk it?

Regardless, I'm sure that in the next couple of days my sometimes-monthly-friend will come back into my life and my regular visits with the RE and his probe will resume.  For now I'm appreciating God's plan for my life and taking things one day at a time.

This kid...

Monday I took the day from work to meet with my regular RE.  The appointment was scheduled to last for less than 30 minutes, but I was sort of worried about how I'd react to the "whatever" he suggested we do next on this infertility journey we are currently on, so I took the entire day from work.  It was just bonus that I happen to be sick and could lay around the house for another day.

My doctor wants to keep things like they are for at least one more cycle and if this cycle doesn't work- then we go forward with IVF.  Seems fair, considering that all our tests are normal and everything is in working order.  The doctor actually said it looks like we've just had some bad luck.  Not to mention all the stress-- my sister's killer wedding, Husband's grandfather getting deathly sick, my grandmother getting sick and entering the assisted living facility, our jobs, building the dream house...

Regardless my husband knows how to make me laugh... on the way out of the RE's office, while driving to McDonald's for a late breakfast he looked at me and said, "this kid better cure cancer."  I cracked up picturing in my head the little oneise I'd have printed with that slogan on it. 

It was the perfect end to a not so horrible meeting with my super talented RE.

For whatever reason, probably disappointment, I've had a hard time finding the words to actually finish this blog entry.  Friday was 'the day' and for the last two weeks I was anxiously awaiting Friday with excitement and dread.  I find it amusing that for the first half of my cycle I'm so optimistic and positive-- upbeat even-- then for the rest of my cycle I'm a mess of nerves and doubt.

This cycle was a little different because I had to use progesterone supplements which gave me some side effects I wasn't expecting, which made me wonder-- 'am I?'  But by Friday I had basically decided that I was not.  And man, I hate being right all the time.

And I wasn't even that shocked on Friday morning.  Sometimes I think I handle this infertility issue too well.  But I was proud of myself for getting up the courage to pee on the dreaded pee stick that morning and not putting it off a moment longer, like I really wanted to.

I was like, "Emily, go ahead and just do it.  If it is positive then you can call and get a blood test.  If it is negative then you can call and get a follow up appointment with  Dr. Meyer.  Man up!"

It was the adult thing to do really.  So Friday morning I peed on the stick.  I was so sleepy that I almost forgot about the whole pee stick thing.  I did my business, christened the stick and went back to bed.  Eventually I went and checked the window.  Negative.

Damn. 

I went back to bed.  At work, I called the RE's office and talked to the receptionist.  The receptionist also works at the bridal boutique where I bought my wedding dress and happens to be the lady that helped me find my dress... I find it comforting that she is present at all my adult milestones.

So the Husband and I have a follow-up appointment in less than two weeks with Dr. Meyer.  I'm expecting him to push for more intensive interventions and more testing.  I recently had an HSG test which came up clear, except that my uterus is basically upside down... and even though I was concerned and thought that that was unique, apparently it is no big deal.  In fact, everything is 'good under the hood.'

I'm not sure what is next, but I'm hopeful and I'm filled with nervous excitement, strangely enough, over what we will find out.  In the meantime, I'm going to take some time to enjoy all the things that there is to enjoy!

Britt's Doughnuts: Happiness & Magic...

So you are looking at a picture of a slightly used doughnut and you're wondering, 'what's the big deal?  It's a doughnut... with two big bites taken out of it.  So what! I've had countless many doughnuts.' 

And you're right.  At this juncture in your life I bet you've had at least 400 or more doughnuts of various kinds, maybe more. 

I myself, living just a short twenty minute drive to a Krispy Kreme store, I know the restorative beauty of a warm-out-of-the-fryer glazed doughnut.  It is quite magical... but not quite.

I can say that because I know of a doughnut that is magical.  So magical in fact that the Husband and I took an impromptu weekend trip to get a couple dozen of these doughnuts.  Just a short 18 miles outside of Wilmington, North Carolina on the Carolina Beach boardwalk is a place called Britt's Doughnuts. 

As soon as you step out onto the Boardwalk, above the smell of the salt air is this sweet, almost addictive, smell of Britt's.  It is one of those smells that sort of takes you by surprise, mainly because even if you aren't hungry, as soon as that delightful smell floats over to your nose, you're hooked... you've just got to have one--or two or 12.

Saturday after lunch we headed down to the coast.  A short hour and 15 minutes later we were sitting at the bar of Britt's doughnuts literally and figuratively eating a tiny piece of heaven.  Steaming hot, but in a good way, the only kind of doughnut Britt's makes is glazed.  No creme-filled, no sprinkles, or chocolate covered confections... and after tasting just one, you'll forget all about all those other kinds of doughnuts.  The outside is crispy and sweet, irregular in a perfect kind of rustic-hand-made way, while the inside is tender and literally lighter than air.  And because these doughnuts are so delicate, eating like 6 in one sitting is totally easy to do.

But back to the magic... 

I'm fairly certain that these doughnuts could grow back a limb, never mind making you forget all about your troubles-- be it a horrific horror of a day or just the day-to-day stress of helping your sister plan an out-of-control wedding.  These doughnuts remind me of what Ben Franklin once said about beer... Britts doughnuts "are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

If you happen to find yourself on I-40 headed East, just run it till it ends... When you've gone past Wilmington and Monkey Junction and as far as land allows you'll be in Carolina Beach.  Hit up the Boardwalk and just follow your nose.  Trust me, you'll be glad you did.

Attempting to Do the Impossible: Country Style Steak with Gravy...

Tonight is the night.  I'm going to put on my serious cooking apron and I'm going to make possibly one of the most iconic Southern meals there is.  I'm going to try to make Country Style Steak with Gravy.

What's the big deal?  I'll tell you...Everyone around these parts grows up eating this very dish.  And everyone grows up thinking that their grandma's or their mama's Country Style Steak is the best.  For this very reason I have perfected such recipes as "Blackened Chicken with Penne Pasta and Alfredo Sauce" because neither of my Grandmothers ever made anything remotely like homemade Alfredo sauce.  I don't like to compete if I know I can't win.

But the other night the Husband and I were sitting down to eat in our brand new kitchen when I asked him what he would like for supper.  I could tell he wasn't too excited about eating my take on a chicken fajita.  He told me wanted "normal" food... fried pork chops, country style steak, mashed potatoes.  Food that I simply don't cook.

So last week while at the grocery store I purchased all the things he mentioned.  Exactly a week ago I made bone-in, extra thick fried pork chops with mashed potatoes.  I even made his favorite cupcakes for good measure.  It was one of the best meals I've ever made for him and Husband was pleased.

With my confidence boosted I have decided to try my hand at the dreaded Country Style Steak with Gravy.  I'm worried about the gravy part.  Gravy is a hard thing to master and since I've never made it before... we wll see.

Stay tuned!

I Hate Being Right All the Time...

On days like this I hate being right all the time.  A few days ago I predicted that my "sometimes-monthly-friend" would be making an unwanted visit.  She showed up about 5:00pm yesterday. 

Today I went to the RE's office for my baseline ultrasound, and just like from the first failed cycle I'm full of cysts.  And having 5 large cysts on my ovaries means that for the next month or so Husband and I are out of the baby making game.

I'm disappointed.  I'm a complete Type A person and I was really hoping to knock "making baby" off my list before I go back to work.  Now it looks like I'll be back at work while we try for a family.

Now I'm thinking I probably should let my boss in on the game plan.  As long as I'm taking the fertility drugs, I'll have to be monitored which means I'll be missing some work.   I think it would take a lot of the guilt and stress off of me if he was aware of the situation.  He is young with two small children and a wife with her on set of health issues, so he is more than understanding when it comes to these sort of matters.

Honestly, now that Husband and I are in the dream home, we both are little more anxious and a lot more ready to have a baby.  I think most people in our situation would understand. 

In the meantime, I'm going to take this month to enjoy the rest of the summer vacation I've got left.   I'm also going to focus a little more energy into getting my house in order.  There are tons of things that need to happen to get my house up to snuff.

I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and when the time is right, a baby will happen.  In the meantime I've got business ventures, actual work, and my house to keep my thoughts busy.

Excitment...

I woke up this morning and I was enveloped in dread.  Sometime in the middle of the night I was awoken to the worst stomach cramps I've ever experienced.  I'm guessing that means that my sometimes-monthly visitor is on her way.  Here's to waiting...

So I woke up this morning less than thrilled at the prospect of no baby and more shots, medicine, and tests.  I was really hoping that this month would be the month.  I joke, often, with my friends that I should have gotten pregnant when I was 16.  It is hilarious in a sick little way that I spent my mid-to-late teens and twenties worried to death that I would fall pregnant only to find out at the age of 27 that bringing a life into the world is going to more difficult that I had ever imagined.  And to think about all those weeks when I was a total mess because of a late period!

Jokes on me.

I had errands to run today.  I had to carrying stuff to the bank and pay a water bill... so I found myself in the car and I hate driving in the car with nothing to do but listen NPR so I called my friend Olivia.  And now we are going into business!

She's a fabulous photographer and the best friend a girl could want.  I'm a creative person with great vision and no outlet who complains about my lack of outlet on a semi-regular basis.  So during our conversation we stumbled onto the crazy idea of starting a one-stop-shop event planning business.

I'm so excited at the prospect of working with a great friend, making other people happy, and at the same time making a little extra money.

This is going to be good.

What's Up with Windows?...

In the hopes of looking on the bright side and with the mindset that "everything happens for a reason" I've decided to look at this delay in building as the perfect opportunity to obsess a little about the windows that will be in the house, specifically the front, side wing of the house.

This would be so much easier to explain if I could just show you the rendering of the house we intend to build... but due to copyright laws that is not going to happen.  The deal is that a wing of the house, on the front side, the plan calls for a bank of picture windows that wraps around to the adjacent wall to create a sort of sun-filled breakfast area.  However the architect calls for this to be finished in hearty plank instead of brick and that is something we do not want.  On the architect's website there is a house very similar to ours that was finished in brick instead of hearty plank and we hate how it looks.

And I suppose we could just go ahead and do the hearty plank... but that is really not what we want to do.  So now here we are trying to figure out what to do instead.  To the Internet I went.

What do you think...?

This (above) is very similar to what we've got in mind.  I just can't figure out if it will look okay on the front of a house-- its a lot of windows.

I like this because of the transoms.  But this also might look okay centered in the wing and on the side, centered.  Maybe?

Doesn't this look like the house from Home Alone?  It has a lot of windows and it doesn't look bad... Right?

I like the shape of these windows and the brick work around them. I could imagine another one on the wall to the side... maybe? 

I love, love, love how much light is in this space.  But would it look okay on the front of a house?

We've talked about just doing two windows across (maybe double long windows) and picture window on the adjacent wall... and I'm pretty sure it would look good-- but it doesn't seem as unique either.  Choices!!! I hate CHOICES!!!

I really just love this-- But again, this is obviously the back of some one's house.

I'm so confused as what to do and I'm afraid of making a mistake.  I'm going to show these to the Hubster and maybe he can help me make up my mind.

I'll keep you posted.  Enjoy the weekend!

Back On Track...

Things are getting back on track.  The bank is working with the lawyers' office to get a new closing date set.  I'm waiting to hear back from them, hopefully tomorrow.  And so it is full steam ahead with the building of the dream house.

My period never came and for most women my age that would mean one thing, pregnancy. In my case it means I have to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist or RE if I want to get pregnant any time soon.  Apparently, in my doctor's opinion, there is no need to belabour the issue.  I'm not so sure I'm ready for the RE.

I'm not that stressed out about children--at this time.  Although, just as soon as I figured out that things are working right for my lady parts, I immediately wanted what I can't have.  So I may have that mother instinct after all.... that, or I never matured past the emotional age of a spoiled 14 year old. 

But in light of all the things going on in my life-- the dysfunctional family drama, my sister's wedding, the dream house, and the fact that I'm a defective typewriter coupled with the stress of work I've decided to turn over a new less-stressful leaf.

And so far so good.  I'm working very hard to stop being a procrastinator, and even though it is going to take some practice-- I'm slowly doing a little better.  And I'm going to stop trying to over schedule myself or take on projects when I've not finished the one I started to begin with.  The main thing... I'm making an attitude shift.  I'm a very blessed person.  I have a life filled with great things and most importantly, great people.  I need to stop worrying so much about work and taking on other people's problems (a hazard of the job when you're a counselor) and start enjoying the fun and nice things going on around me.

It's going to be hard, but I'm going to try very hard.