I Hate Being Right All the Time...

On days like this I hate being right all the time.  A few days ago I predicted that my "sometimes-monthly-friend" would be making an unwanted visit.  She showed up about 5:00pm yesterday. 

Today I went to the RE's office for my baseline ultrasound, and just like from the first failed cycle I'm full of cysts.  And having 5 large cysts on my ovaries means that for the next month or so Husband and I are out of the baby making game.

I'm disappointed.  I'm a complete Type A person and I was really hoping to knock "making baby" off my list before I go back to work.  Now it looks like I'll be back at work while we try for a family.

Now I'm thinking I probably should let my boss in on the game plan.  As long as I'm taking the fertility drugs, I'll have to be monitored which means I'll be missing some work.   I think it would take a lot of the guilt and stress off of me if he was aware of the situation.  He is young with two small children and a wife with her on set of health issues, so he is more than understanding when it comes to these sort of matters.

Honestly, now that Husband and I are in the dream home, we both are little more anxious and a lot more ready to have a baby.  I think most people in our situation would understand. 

In the meantime, I'm going to take this month to enjoy the rest of the summer vacation I've got left.   I'm also going to focus a little more energy into getting my house in order.  There are tons of things that need to happen to get my house up to snuff.

I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and when the time is right, a baby will happen.  In the meantime I've got business ventures, actual work, and my house to keep my thoughts busy.

Excitment...

I woke up this morning and I was enveloped in dread.  Sometime in the middle of the night I was awoken to the worst stomach cramps I've ever experienced.  I'm guessing that means that my sometimes-monthly visitor is on her way.  Here's to waiting...

So I woke up this morning less than thrilled at the prospect of no baby and more shots, medicine, and tests.  I was really hoping that this month would be the month.  I joke, often, with my friends that I should have gotten pregnant when I was 16.  It is hilarious in a sick little way that I spent my mid-to-late teens and twenties worried to death that I would fall pregnant only to find out at the age of 27 that bringing a life into the world is going to more difficult that I had ever imagined.  And to think about all those weeks when I was a total mess because of a late period!

Jokes on me.

I had errands to run today.  I had to carrying stuff to the bank and pay a water bill... so I found myself in the car and I hate driving in the car with nothing to do but listen NPR so I called my friend Olivia.  And now we are going into business!

She's a fabulous photographer and the best friend a girl could want.  I'm a creative person with great vision and no outlet who complains about my lack of outlet on a semi-regular basis.  So during our conversation we stumbled onto the crazy idea of starting a one-stop-shop event planning business.

I'm so excited at the prospect of working with a great friend, making other people happy, and at the same time making a little extra money.

This is going to be good.

Fertility Good News...

After weeks of researching IVF and PCOS and all sorts of other three and four letter acroymns for several weeks, I had resigned myself to the fact that once the new cycle started, I would no longer be what I considered a simple case of infertility.

Two weeks to the date after my last appointment, the appointment where the doctor cancelled my cycle and gave me a quick run down on what IVF was and why it was my best option, I had another appointment with my main RE.

Nervous, yet mentally prepared for what lay ahead, the Husband and I walked into my doctor's office and took our seats in the chairs in front of his desk.

He laid out the options and to my surprise he wasn't pushing IVF.  In fact he felt that after only completing one cycle he didn't think that we were ready for IVF.  I was relieved.  The money alone was causing me great stress and then couple that with all the procedures... I was a wreck.  I couldn't really believe what I was hearing, but I was glad.

He told me that he wanted to try things really slow.  Once the new cycle started then we would do 7 days of injections and then go back in for monitoring and bloodwork and that would let us know what to do next.

And so far so good.  After 7 days of injections I went back into the doctors' office for monitoring on Monday.  At that time I had no huge follicles and my estrogen levels were low.  My dosage was pushed up slightly and when I went back in on Wednesday my follicles were getting close to being mature.  My estrogen levels were increasing steadily but were in normal range.  I was kept at the same level of medicine and on Friday I went in for another monitoring visit.

On Friday I had one mature follicle and two others that looked like in the next day or two they also would be ready.  So last night we got to do the trigger shot of HCG.  I'm a little worried about how I'll react to the HCG.  Last time it made me sick... like super duper sick.  Looking back on it I think I was a little overstimulated.  I gained over 5 pounds of fluid and looked like I was several months pregnant.  It was awful, especially knowing that in the end it didn't result in the news we wanted.

I'm hoping because we've all been so cautious with this cycle, I won't have the same reaction as I did last time. 

Send the good thoughts and prayers our way.  Now we just have to wait and see what happens. I'm not the most patient person in the world, but I've always been told, good things come to those who wait.

Wish us luck!

I've Been Missing in Action, But I've Got a Good Excuse...

Like the title says, I've been missing in action.  And this time I've got a great excuse.  Somewhere in the second week of June our house passed inspection, the power was turned on and we were free to move our belongings.  Thus began the 3 week siege. 

Let me just say that I hate moving. 

At this point I think that most everyone associated with our move hates moving as well.  This hatred extends also to service people, including a poor Indian woman from Dish Network.  Four years of marriage resulted in days and days of our belongings being carted from one house to the next.  Beyond the feelings of being violated, my life is in great disarray.

Last week or day 4 of the move I had to leave the dream house for a short period of time because I was about to cry because I couldn't find a post-it pad to write my grocery list on.  In fact I couldn't find any type of paper to write on.  Maybe it was the fertility drugs coursing through my body or the fact that the Hubster's family, God love them, had seen my entire messy life-- underwear and all-- laid out in boxes and drawers before them had me on the edge of reality. 

Think about it, would you want your in-laws moving drawers of your undies?

I never intend on moving again.  It has been one of the least rewarding experiences in my life to date. 

Slowly things are starting to find a place.  Slowly the little kinks of living in a brand new home are being worked out.  Slowly I'm adjusting to the new... and I think the Hubster and Buddy are too.

I'll hopefully be posting pictures of the new house as well as filling you in on some of the details that went into making the dream house the dream house.

Being a Grown-up...

At this very moment I'm really hating being a grown-up.  I walk around my school and I am almost envious of those clueless little children roaming the halls.  They have no idea that when you grow up everything changes... and not always for the best. 

First of all, I'm really hating dealing with other adults... namely, the ones at US Cellular.  I want to make my cell phone bill cheaper and they are basically telling me there is no way to make it cheaper.  I find that really hard to believe.  But as an adult I'm surrounded by other adults and in turn I have to act civilized.  I can't run and hide behind my parents legs when they start to talk to me... I can't pretend to be so involved in my Nintendo GameBoy that I didn't hear what was going on around me.  I can't pout until I get my way... and it sucks.

Second of all, being adult means that there is never enough of anything... mostly time and money.  I don't know where it all goes???  I remember being like 7 years old with a stash of money from birthdays and grandparents and it lasting forever.  Seriously, I'd have a birthday in October and I'd still have cash from that same birthday well into the next birthday.  As an adult I make lots of money (comparatively to then) and each month, before I know it is basically all gone... and it sucks. 

Same way with time.  Used to, it took forever for the end of a school year, Christmas and my birthday.  Now, I just blink and all those things happen.  Back when I was 7, 365 days was pure torture.  Now, 365 days-- 365 days barely feels like six months.  The days go by faster too.  What's up with that?

Once you are grown up you have deal with things you never would have dreamed about as a kid... bills, paint colors, appliances, procreating... cleaning up-- the whole house, not just your room.  Just today I went by the new house to check up on the metallic paint that is going in the dinning room.  Right now it is a disaster.  The painter doesn't speak English well, he couldn't understand what I was saying.  I did manage to hear him say something about a second coat... and I'm hoping (praying about paint seems like a waste of God's time) that it comes out okay.  I was so distracted that I barely noticed the new refrigerator that seems to be breaking the cabinet that surrounds it. 

See what fun being an adult is???  Nothing but worries upon worries. 

I'm thinking that if they ever come up with a cure for being a grown up I'll be the first in line... unless it involved losing your mind. 

Tomorrow will be better.  These short weeks really mess with me :(

Adventures in Infertility...

Wednesday morning started off great.  I woke up around my usual time.  I got a quick shower, brushed my teeth, fixed my hair and put on make-up.  I had a quick conversation with the Hubster about my super causal attire.  Apparently he had forgotten that I had my monitoring appointment with the RE.  I was going to take a half day from work... I'd come home after the appointment and change into work wear.  On Monday when I was in the doctor's office for yet another monitoring appointment I didn't do so well with the blood drawing.  Word of advice-- always drink plenty of water before someone tries to draw your blood. 

So to make sure I was plenty hydrated I purposely scheduled my next appointment for Wednesday to be at 8:45am instead of 7:30am.  Plenty of time to drink a lot of water...

After many weeks of these monitoring appointments, I know the drill.  Sign in, wait for your name to be called, strip down from the waist and wait for the probe followed by bloodwork.  And after several weeks I was used to the nurses and the doctors talking about how impressive my ovaries are...  so when the friendly nurse called in the doctor because she wasn't sure what to do next... I didn't really know what to think.

The doctor came into my room.  It was the same doctor that told me about two months ago that we'd have to start doing the injections.  He sat down and started counting my follicles.  In a perfect cycle there would only be about 3 follicles to count.  I stopped looking when he had well over 20.  Most of them them were mature, the only problem was that there were so many of them.  He looked scared and that made me feel scared.  When he stopped counting he let me sit up so we could really talk.

He didn't want us proceeding with this cycle.  Besides the risk of overstimulating my ovaries, which is potentially life threatening and most certainly would be a reality if we continued with this cycle, he didn't want me to end up with multiples.  Because I'm petite I'd most certainly have to look at selective reduction if I were to become pregnant with multiples and that was a position he did not want to put me and the Hubster in.  I simply do not have the space to accommodate that many babies, period.

When I asked what was next... he took a deep breath and said, "I really hate to even mention this... but you would be a great candidate for IVF."

I hated hearing it as much as he hated saying it.  But he had valid points.  Besides the cost being out-of-this-world expensive, and of course insurance doesn't cover such treatments, the risk of multiples beyond twins is very slim... the fact that I produce lots and lots of potential eggs is great because in IVF you want to produce lots and lots of follicles... and the success rate is around 60%.  Due to my being young and healthy, he felt this was the best option.

He even mentioned, which I thought was a little weird, that I'd be a great egg donor as well.  He said, "couples would want your eggs.  You are attractive, petite, healthy... it would also cut down on the cost of IVF."

So now I have an appointment with my normal RE doctor in two weeks to discuss IVF and any other treatment options. 

Now, I'm sure you are all reading this and thinking, wow, she is really calm about all this... I'd be a wreck.  Trust me when I say I was a complete and total wreck.  I cried all the way home and off and on for most the day.  This was not what I had imagined for myself... even though I knew, and always have known, that getting pregnant was not going to be easy.

I took the rest of the day off at my friend Olivia's advice.  I laid around all day and did nothing but watch TV and try to rest.  But instead I found myself researching IVF and my doctor's office's ranking in the state.  Apparently I go to the third best RE office in the state when it comes to IVF.  The other two offices are much further away.

Since Wednesday I've talked to a friend at work that has gone through it all while she and her husband were on their 7 year journey of infertility.  She, herself, was a recipent of donor eggs through the IVF proceedure which resulted in her beautiful twins.  I'm much better now.  I'm starting to look at this in a positive way.  God has a plan for me and the Hubster.  And no one yet as said that I can't have children.  All positive.

Although, I agree with the Hubster... it is crazy that I'm too fertile to continue with this cycle.  I never thought that would happen.... not in a million years!

Losing My Mind...

For the last few weeks I've been teaching 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders relaxation techniques to help them do their best on the upcoming End-of-Year testing our State mandates.

I feel like such a fraud.  I'm anything but relaxed these days.

It all started around Easter.  Clay the Genius, our contractor, really recommended glazing our painted cabinets to compliment our cherry stained cabinets.  The Hubster was a little tentative on the whole idea, but I was all for it.  Glazing!  How complicated could it be?

So off we went to see the cabinet maker.  To put it mildly, he wasn't excited.  But since the customer is always right-- experts were called in.  And then experts' experts were called in. 

The final product was a new cabinet that had an antiqued appearance.  I loved it.  The cabinet maker tolerated it... the Hubster, hopefully is tolerating it.

But before all the toleration was a nervous breakdown.  I cried, I yelled, I pouted.  It was all very unbecoming of me.  Of course I did this, the bad behavior, in the privacy of my home.  The problem...  I've lost the ability to visualize and when I came to the new house and saw this...

I was less than excited.  This was not what I had asked for... and for whatever reason I couldn't get past it.  I couldn't picture the final product. 

But the following week this happened:

And I started to get better.  I started to calm down.  Things were looking up.  Today I went to my new house to check the progress and this is what I saw...

Needless to say that I'm more than pleased.  Now... I just have to pick knobs and handles!

Pray for me :)