For whatever reason, probably disappointment, I've had a hard time finding the words to actually finish this blog entry. Friday was 'the day' and for the last two weeks I was anxiously awaiting Friday with excitement and dread. I find it amusing that for the first half of my cycle I'm so optimistic and positive-- upbeat even-- then for the rest of my cycle I'm a mess of nerves and doubt.
This cycle was a little different because I had to use progesterone supplements which gave me some side effects I wasn't expecting, which made me wonder-- 'am I?' But by Friday I had basically decided that I was not. And man, I hate being right all the time.
And I wasn't even that shocked on Friday morning. Sometimes I think I handle this infertility issue too well. But I was proud of myself for getting up the courage to pee on the dreaded pee stick that morning and not putting it off a moment longer, like I really wanted to.
I was like, "Emily, go ahead and just do it. If it is positive then you can call and get a blood test. If it is negative then you can call and get a follow up appointment with Dr. Meyer. Man up!"
It was the adult thing to do really. So Friday morning I peed on the stick. I was so sleepy that I almost forgot about the whole pee stick thing. I did my business, christened the stick and went back to bed. Eventually I went and checked the window. Negative.
Damn.
I went back to bed. At work, I called the RE's office and talked to the receptionist. The receptionist also works at the bridal boutique where I bought my wedding dress and happens to be the lady that helped me find my dress... I find it comforting that she is present at all my adult milestones.
So the Husband and I have a follow-up appointment in less than two weeks with Dr. Meyer. I'm expecting him to push for more intensive interventions and more testing. I recently had an HSG test which came up clear, except that my uterus is basically upside down... and even though I was concerned and thought that that was unique, apparently it is no big deal. In fact, everything is 'good under the hood.'
I'm not sure what is next, but I'm hopeful and I'm filled with nervous excitement, strangely enough, over what we will find out. In the meantime, I'm going to take some time to enjoy all the things that there is to enjoy!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Talking to God and Good Friends...
Lately, well for the longest time... I've found it hard to pray. I used to be so good at it. I'd get all comfy in my bed and start my long rambling dialogue with God... in my head of course. But then I got all happy and all the fear that seemed to drive a lot of my prayers back then went away and my nightly dialogue became less of a nightly occurrence. And pretty soon, when I'd get all comfy and ready to start my nightly dialogue... I'd find myself distracted or too sleepy or it would be just too hard. Quieting my mind became a hard thing to do. To focus. To pray.
In one of my many conversations with my dear friend Olivia she mentioned that she kept a prayer journal. Great idea! As most of her ideas are. She pointed out that keeping this journal was a good way to reflect on how God works in our lives. I loved that idea... I so desperately want a better relationship with God and His Son... and I know that prayer is the best way to facilitate that relationship.
For some time now I've felt that God was sort of like a relative that I loved dearly but never saw and rarely missed... someone I took for granted. God was there... and if I ever needed Him, I'd know where to find Him. And that is the great thing about God. He is there when you need Him... but lately I've started to see that I need Him everyday, not just when I'm in crisis... or upset... or comfy.
So I took my dear friends' idea and started to write a daily letter to God. I've got to be honest... some days my letter doesn't happen. But most of the time it does. And the amazing thing is, I feel myself letting my faith grow. My worries are less... and even though I still have my worries, my fears-- that I'll never get pregnant or that my eggs are bad or that I'm just not good enough at anything I do-- I'm learning to put those fears and worries with the Lord and going on about my day. The crazy part is, I'm thinking those thoughts less and less... I find myself trying to hear that quiet voice... I'm looking for the deeper meaning in the world around me. I'm learning to appreciate all the many blessings I have been blessed with... and I'm learning to be patient for the blessing yet to come.
My faith is growing and moreover I hope that my relationships-- heavenly and earthbound-- are growing too.
I feel myself becoming more... more responsible... more organized... just more. On Sunday, another dear friend, Cherish sent me an email. She had me on her mind. I had a test run on Friday at my RE's office-- an HSG test. I had talked to her, earlier in the week about my fears that something might be wrong with me. My worries over not getting pregnant. My fear that this test would hurt (it did, a little). On Sunday she sent me an email of encouragement...an email about happiness. The kind of happiness that is deep and lasting... even when things aren't going specifically our way. She pointed out and reminded me that this trial was only strengthening my relationship with my husband, taking my marriage to a deeper level and moreover, strengthening my relationship with God. It was a reminder to pray. A reminder to have faith. To be positive.
Thank God for people like Cherish. Thank goodness God sees fit to send messages through people like Cherish. Sometimes it just feels so good to have people in your life that know exactly what to say when you need to hear it the most. And in my mind this was just another way God is sending me a message... have faith. Be patient.
I hear the words that have been spoken to me over and over during my childhood-- "good things come to those who wait."
In the meantime, I'm praying. I'm putting the worry and the doubt in God's capable hands and I'm living my life and trying to enjoy the blessing that are all around me... right now! Each morning, that I can, I'm writing my letters to God and looking for the meaning in my days and nights.
As I conclude this entry, I find myself overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and content... and hopeful.
In one of my many conversations with my dear friend Olivia she mentioned that she kept a prayer journal. Great idea! As most of her ideas are. She pointed out that keeping this journal was a good way to reflect on how God works in our lives. I loved that idea... I so desperately want a better relationship with God and His Son... and I know that prayer is the best way to facilitate that relationship.
For some time now I've felt that God was sort of like a relative that I loved dearly but never saw and rarely missed... someone I took for granted. God was there... and if I ever needed Him, I'd know where to find Him. And that is the great thing about God. He is there when you need Him... but lately I've started to see that I need Him everyday, not just when I'm in crisis... or upset... or comfy.
So I took my dear friends' idea and started to write a daily letter to God. I've got to be honest... some days my letter doesn't happen. But most of the time it does. And the amazing thing is, I feel myself letting my faith grow. My worries are less... and even though I still have my worries, my fears-- that I'll never get pregnant or that my eggs are bad or that I'm just not good enough at anything I do-- I'm learning to put those fears and worries with the Lord and going on about my day. The crazy part is, I'm thinking those thoughts less and less... I find myself trying to hear that quiet voice... I'm looking for the deeper meaning in the world around me. I'm learning to appreciate all the many blessings I have been blessed with... and I'm learning to be patient for the blessing yet to come.
My faith is growing and moreover I hope that my relationships-- heavenly and earthbound-- are growing too.
I feel myself becoming more... more responsible... more organized... just more. On Sunday, another dear friend, Cherish sent me an email. She had me on her mind. I had a test run on Friday at my RE's office-- an HSG test. I had talked to her, earlier in the week about my fears that something might be wrong with me. My worries over not getting pregnant. My fear that this test would hurt (it did, a little). On Sunday she sent me an email of encouragement...an email about happiness. The kind of happiness that is deep and lasting... even when things aren't going specifically our way. She pointed out and reminded me that this trial was only strengthening my relationship with my husband, taking my marriage to a deeper level and moreover, strengthening my relationship with God. It was a reminder to pray. A reminder to have faith. To be positive.
Thank God for people like Cherish. Thank goodness God sees fit to send messages through people like Cherish. Sometimes it just feels so good to have people in your life that know exactly what to say when you need to hear it the most. And in my mind this was just another way God is sending me a message... have faith. Be patient.
I hear the words that have been spoken to me over and over during my childhood-- "good things come to those who wait."
In the meantime, I'm praying. I'm putting the worry and the doubt in God's capable hands and I'm living my life and trying to enjoy the blessing that are all around me... right now! Each morning, that I can, I'm writing my letters to God and looking for the meaning in my days and nights.
As I conclude this entry, I find myself overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and content... and hopeful.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
It's Been a While..
It's been a while. But so much has been going on, I've found that there isn't much time to blog. So here I go, attempting to fill everyone in... Bare with me.
1. My sister's wedding was weekend before last. The seige has ended and life is sort of going back to normal.
2. The very day after my sister's wedding Husband's grandfather became very ill in the hospital and the family was called in to say our goodbyes. Thankfully, the doctors were proactive and he is doing worlds better-- PRAYER WORKS!
3. Work is crazy. Besides have new duties on my plate, I've got a class this year that is killing me emotionally. I have two students that cry every afternoon, regardless of the situation. There is no making them happy! Did I mention that they are 10 years old???
4. I'm in decorating mode. I've not been blogging but I've picked up a few blogs to follow all about decorating and photography.
5. My new couch comes Tuesday-- one that I ordered in June and was supposed to be here weeks ago-- and now I'm interested in looking at fabrics... lots and lots of fabrics!
6. Acupuncture is going great! I highly recommend it to anyone that doesn't deal with stress or just needs an hour to clear your mind, pray, and just be quiet. I'm loving it!
7. After Husband's meltdown about me hiding his mail, I've ordered a beautiful wooden wall pocket from Ballard Designs and low and behold, it is helping me make sense of our mail-paper problem! Yea for organization!
8. I also ordered a metal boot tray for our back entry... Husband's work boots and sneakers look so nice lined up, neatly by the door! Maybe Husband's meltdown wasn't such a bad thing after all!
9. I've been sucked into serving on yet another board position for a not-for-profit organization. This time it is work related. The one organization that I thought wouldn't want me because I don't have children, sought me out. I can't say no.
10. I have a class that calls me, "Pretty Girl" and ask their teacher, "is the Pretty Girl coming to see us today?" I love that class and I think I need to move my desk into that room. What a self-esteem boost! Did I mention that they are 5???
11. I've completely turned my life around and I am on a health kick. I have stopped eating sugar basically (occasionally I eat a sugary dessert-- but rarely). I have started eating fruit. For years I've lived in fear of eating fruit because of the texture, but I've completely overcame it and today I found myself craving the fruit cup at Chick-Fila. I also have stopped eating white breads and increased my whole grains... and again, low and behold, I feel great! Not to mention that my digestive system is performing like a well-oiled machine... something I've never experienced due to my poor diet. Because I feel good, sticking to this new kick has been super easy.
And that brings just about everything up to speed. I'll talk about some of these things in more detail, especially when I have some pictures-- like of the wedding, not my digestive system!
Have a good weekend!
1. My sister's wedding was weekend before last. The seige has ended and life is sort of going back to normal.
2. The very day after my sister's wedding Husband's grandfather became very ill in the hospital and the family was called in to say our goodbyes. Thankfully, the doctors were proactive and he is doing worlds better-- PRAYER WORKS!
3. Work is crazy. Besides have new duties on my plate, I've got a class this year that is killing me emotionally. I have two students that cry every afternoon, regardless of the situation. There is no making them happy! Did I mention that they are 10 years old???
4. I'm in decorating mode. I've not been blogging but I've picked up a few blogs to follow all about decorating and photography.
5. My new couch comes Tuesday-- one that I ordered in June and was supposed to be here weeks ago-- and now I'm interested in looking at fabrics... lots and lots of fabrics!
6. Acupuncture is going great! I highly recommend it to anyone that doesn't deal with stress or just needs an hour to clear your mind, pray, and just be quiet. I'm loving it!
7. After Husband's meltdown about me hiding his mail, I've ordered a beautiful wooden wall pocket from Ballard Designs and low and behold, it is helping me make sense of our mail-paper problem! Yea for organization!
8. I also ordered a metal boot tray for our back entry... Husband's work boots and sneakers look so nice lined up, neatly by the door! Maybe Husband's meltdown wasn't such a bad thing after all!
9. I've been sucked into serving on yet another board position for a not-for-profit organization. This time it is work related. The one organization that I thought wouldn't want me because I don't have children, sought me out. I can't say no.
10. I have a class that calls me, "Pretty Girl" and ask their teacher, "is the Pretty Girl coming to see us today?" I love that class and I think I need to move my desk into that room. What a self-esteem boost! Did I mention that they are 5???
11. I've completely turned my life around and I am on a health kick. I have stopped eating sugar basically (occasionally I eat a sugary dessert-- but rarely). I have started eating fruit. For years I've lived in fear of eating fruit because of the texture, but I've completely overcame it and today I found myself craving the fruit cup at Chick-Fila. I also have stopped eating white breads and increased my whole grains... and again, low and behold, I feel great! Not to mention that my digestive system is performing like a well-oiled machine... something I've never experienced due to my poor diet. Because I feel good, sticking to this new kick has been super easy.
And that brings just about everything up to speed. I'll talk about some of these things in more detail, especially when I have some pictures-- like of the wedding, not my digestive system!
Have a good weekend!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Acupuncture...
I have not been back at work for even close to a week and I'm already taking a 1/2 sick day. All last week I tried my darnedest to get an appointment for acupuncture... After a few weeks of research and reading one book that recommended it I worked up the nerve to call because I think that acupuncture just might be the ticket, especially since I'm anticipating a very stressful work year.
So I got an appointment for last week and then the very day that I was to go, the acupuncturist got sick and so I was put off until this week. Story of my life. Which means I had to take a half day so I could get in my first appointment. Who knew making time for myself is causing me guilt and stress???
I leave for the appointment in less than an hour and so far I'm not nervous. Just a few months ago the ideas of needles of any kind being jammed into my body sent shivers down my spine. Now, after months of needle stabs, jabs, and pricks, I'm thinking this is going to be easy.
The first appointment is going to take over an hour... not sure why but I've already had to fill out virtually a novel of background information.
I'll keep you posted on how it goes...
So I got an appointment for last week and then the very day that I was to go, the acupuncturist got sick and so I was put off until this week. Story of my life. Which means I had to take a half day so I could get in my first appointment. Who knew making time for myself is causing me guilt and stress???
I leave for the appointment in less than an hour and so far I'm not nervous. Just a few months ago the ideas of needles of any kind being jammed into my body sent shivers down my spine. Now, after months of needle stabs, jabs, and pricks, I'm thinking this is going to be easy.
The first appointment is going to take over an hour... not sure why but I've already had to fill out virtually a novel of background information.
I'll keep you posted on how it goes...
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
A Long Justification for Purchasing a Dress for My Closet...
In an effort to be more fiscally responsible and to actually wear the clothing I already own, I announced to Husband this past weekend that I would be (gasp!) re-wearing a dress to the engagement party we have to attend this upcoming weekend. I think I was high on the doughnuts (see previous post).
I rarely ever wear one of my dresses more than once. I blame it on proximity really... we socialize with the same people all the time, so once a dress is worn, it has basically been "seen" by everyone. As I mature, I realize that not everyone is paying that close attention to me and what I'm wearing, so as I mature I'm realizing that re-wearing a party dress is not that big of a deal. Even Princess Katherine is re-wearing outfits and she, according to Inside Edition, is the most photographed women in the world... and it reasons to stand because she was photographed outside of Englands' idea of a Wal-Mart with a cart full of groceries. When's the last time an entertainment reporter for Inside Edition talked about your affinity for Frosted Flakes????
I'm sticking to my guns about re-wearing too. I've already tried on the outfit of choice for this upcoming weekend and I feel confident that I can pull it off. And to reward myself with re-wearing I've treated myself to a new dress.
I know, I know.... I know what you are thinking... but I have a wedding coming up that is out of town and from what I'm hearing is going to be super dressed-down. No cocktail attire, no black tie optional... just a normal old fashioned wedding and unforunatley I really don't have many dressed-down-dressy-dresses. The one I own will be worn this weekend to the Engagment party for this very October wedding that is coming up. I think I found the winner at Anthropologie. It is a blue floral print silk slip dress and I think it is pretty awesome.
To make sure I can re-wear this dress I also purchased a waist hugging leather belt... I feel certain that I can belt this slip of a dress and throw a cardingan over the top to make it work appropriate. The right heels and sparkly accessories will make it "going-out" ready as well. Also I intend to wear this dress to my sister's rehersal and rehersal dinner. See! At least 3 different places to wear this 1 dress.
And for the record the outfit I'm wearing this weekend has been worn approximately 3 times, if I wear it this weekend, which I most certainly will!
Ha.
I rarely ever wear one of my dresses more than once. I blame it on proximity really... we socialize with the same people all the time, so once a dress is worn, it has basically been "seen" by everyone. As I mature, I realize that not everyone is paying that close attention to me and what I'm wearing, so as I mature I'm realizing that re-wearing a party dress is not that big of a deal. Even Princess Katherine is re-wearing outfits and she, according to Inside Edition, is the most photographed women in the world... and it reasons to stand because she was photographed outside of Englands' idea of a Wal-Mart with a cart full of groceries. When's the last time an entertainment reporter for Inside Edition talked about your affinity for Frosted Flakes????
I'm sticking to my guns about re-wearing too. I've already tried on the outfit of choice for this upcoming weekend and I feel confident that I can pull it off. And to reward myself with re-wearing I've treated myself to a new dress.
I know, I know.... I know what you are thinking... but I have a wedding coming up that is out of town and from what I'm hearing is going to be super dressed-down. No cocktail attire, no black tie optional... just a normal old fashioned wedding and unforunatley I really don't have many dressed-down-dressy-dresses. The one I own will be worn this weekend to the Engagment party for this very October wedding that is coming up. I think I found the winner at Anthropologie. It is a blue floral print silk slip dress and I think it is pretty awesome.
To make sure I can re-wear this dress I also purchased a waist hugging leather belt... I feel certain that I can belt this slip of a dress and throw a cardingan over the top to make it work appropriate. The right heels and sparkly accessories will make it "going-out" ready as well. Also I intend to wear this dress to my sister's rehersal and rehersal dinner. See! At least 3 different places to wear this 1 dress.
And for the record the outfit I'm wearing this weekend has been worn approximately 3 times, if I wear it this weekend, which I most certainly will!
Ha.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Britt's Doughnuts: Happiness & Magic...
And you're right. At this juncture in your life I bet you've had at least 400 or more doughnuts of various kinds, maybe more.
I myself, living just a short twenty minute drive to a Krispy Kreme store, I know the restorative beauty of a warm-out-of-the-fryer glazed doughnut. It is quite magical... but not quite.
I can say that because I know of a doughnut that is magical. So magical in fact that the Husband and I took an impromptu weekend trip to get a couple dozen of these doughnuts. Just a short 18 miles outside of Wilmington, North Carolina on the Carolina Beach boardwalk is a place called Britt's Doughnuts.
As soon as you step out onto the Boardwalk, above the smell of the salt air is this sweet, almost addictive, smell of Britt's. It is one of those smells that sort of takes you by surprise, mainly because even if you aren't hungry, as soon as that delightful smell floats over to your nose, you're hooked... you've just got to have one--or two or 12.
Saturday after lunch we headed down to the coast. A short hour and 15 minutes later we were sitting at the bar of Britt's doughnuts literally and figuratively eating a tiny piece of heaven. Steaming hot, but in a good way, the only kind of doughnut Britt's makes is glazed. No creme-filled, no sprinkles, or chocolate covered confections... and after tasting just one, you'll forget all about all those other kinds of doughnuts. The outside is crispy and sweet, irregular in a perfect kind of rustic-hand-made way, while the inside is tender and literally lighter than air. And because these doughnuts are so delicate, eating like 6 in one sitting is totally easy to do.
But back to the magic...
I'm fairly certain that these doughnuts could grow back a limb, never mind making you forget all about your troubles-- be it a horrific horror of a day or just the day-to-day stress of helping your sister plan an out-of-control wedding. These doughnuts remind me of what Ben Franklin once said about beer... Britts doughnuts "are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
If you happen to find yourself on I-40 headed East, just run it till it ends... When you've gone past Wilmington and Monkey Junction and as far as land allows you'll be in Carolina Beach. Hit up the Boardwalk and just follow your nose. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.
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