Talking to God and Good Friends...

Lately, well for the longest time... I've found it hard to pray.  I used to be so good at it.  I'd get all comfy in my bed and start my long rambling dialogue with God... in my head of course.  But then I got all happy and all the fear that seemed to drive a lot of my prayers back then went away and my nightly dialogue became less of a nightly occurrence.  And pretty soon, when I'd get all comfy and ready to start my nightly dialogue... I'd find myself distracted or too sleepy or it would be just too hard.  Quieting my mind became a hard thing to do.  To focus.  To pray. 

In one of my many conversations with my dear friend Olivia she mentioned that she kept a prayer journal.  Great idea!  As most of her ideas are.  She pointed out that keeping this journal was a good way to reflect on how God works in our lives.  I loved that idea...  I so desperately want a better relationship with God and His Son... and I know that prayer is the best way to facilitate that relationship.

For some time now I've felt that God was sort of like a relative that I loved dearly but never saw and rarely missed... someone I took for granted.  God was there... and if I ever needed Him, I'd know where to find Him.  And that is the great thing about God.  He is there when you need Him... but lately I've started to see that I need Him everyday, not just when I'm in crisis... or upset... or comfy.

So I took my dear friends' idea and started to write a daily letter to God.  I've got to be honest... some days my letter doesn't happen.  But most of the time it does.  And the amazing thing is, I feel myself letting my faith grow.  My worries are less... and even though I still have my worries, my fears-- that I'll never get pregnant or that my eggs are bad or that I'm just not good enough at anything I do--  I'm learning to put those fears and worries with the Lord and going on about my day.  The crazy part is, I'm thinking those thoughts less and less... I find myself trying to hear that quiet voice... I'm looking for the deeper meaning in the world around me.  I'm learning to appreciate all the many blessings I have been blessed with... and I'm learning to be patient for the blessing yet to come.

My faith is growing and moreover I hope that my relationships-- heavenly and earthbound-- are growing too.

I feel myself becoming more... more responsible... more organized... just more.  On Sunday, another dear friend, Cherish sent me an email.  She had me on her mind.  I had a test run on Friday at my RE's office-- an HSG test.  I had talked to her, earlier in the week about my fears that something might be wrong with me.  My worries over not getting pregnant.  My fear that this test would hurt (it did, a little).  On Sunday she sent me an email of encouragement...an email about happiness.  The kind of happiness that is deep and lasting... even when things aren't going specifically our way.  She pointed out and reminded me that this trial was only strengthening my relationship with my husband, taking my marriage to a deeper level and moreover, strengthening my relationship with God.  It was a reminder to pray.  A reminder to have faith.  To be positive.

Thank God for people like Cherish.  Thank goodness God sees fit to send messages through people like Cherish.  Sometimes it just feels so good to have people in your life that know exactly what to say when you need to hear it the most.  And in my mind this was just another way God is sending me a message... have faith.  Be patient. 

I hear the words that have been spoken to me over and over during my childhood-- "good things come to those who wait." 

In the meantime, I'm praying.  I'm putting the worry and the doubt in God's capable hands and I'm living my life and trying to enjoy the blessing that are all around me... right now!  Each morning, that I can, I'm writing my letters to God and looking for the meaning in my days and nights. 

As I conclude this entry, I find myself overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed and content... and hopeful.