Our beta came back at a solid 300. For a reference point, 25 is considered pregnant. Then in two days we were to go back for more bloodwork. That number (300) must double. And double it did, actually it more than tripled and that was exactly what my RE wanted.
This week we go for pictures. Sounds easy doesn't it?
But please let me assure you these last two weeks have been no cake-walk.... by no means.
For months I've been focused on just getting a positive test. Just a little pink line or a "congratulations, Emily! It's positive" phone call. That's it. And now that we've got it, I'm at a total loss as to what to do next.
This past summer I became a walking-talking encyclopedia of reproductive information, studying nothing about pregnancy and what to expect after the pink line.
I didn't even have a plan of action for what to do once you get the pink line. Because we did IVF, we didn't really get the luxury of keeping the news to ourselves for the first couple of weeks like other non-IVF couples. My family knew what was going on. His family, for the most part, knew what was going on. Getting pregnant takes a village... and several doctors, nurses, gynecological tools, shots, microscopes, embryologists, scary procedures, and even scarier phone calls about cell division...
And after the news came out then I suddenly felt at odds-- like someone who had geared up for battle and unexpectedly won, knowing very little about what was to come next. And angry! It was nobodies business and I made it clear that this was not to be something we make a big deal about. Ever heard the word Miscarriage? Ever heard the word Ectopic Pregnancy? Blighted Ovum? Molar Pregnancy? So many things could go wrong and so many things are never a guarantee. I'm an honest-to-goodness example of how things don't always turn out the way they are supposed to. Wasn't the Clomid supposed to do the trick back last winter? Wasn't the shots and perfectly timed interactions with the Husband supposed be just the ticket?
So I've learned to just be
Husband's family didn't get the memo. When they got the news they obviously never heard the part about "we aren't telling anyone" line. And the rational side of me totally gets it. It is a big deal. Just five short years ago I was in their shoes when my favorite IVF'er finally got her Big Fat Positive. I was ready to shout it from every roof-top. But I also remember her reining us all back in... because it is a scary world out there.
However I have this irrational side of me. The passive-aggressive side of me that should never be crossed. The irrational, hormonal side that can't even sit through a Designing Women's re-run without tearing up feels robbed... a little bit violated... ignored. How dare someone just go around spreading information that isn't supposed to be told! I swear I really now understand how those silly 4th graders feel...
But I also think I now understand why people do unexpected things after stressful life-altering events or why they retreat from the world for a bit. You've got to re-center. Re-focus...
Infertility doesn't run in the Husband's family as far as I know. They don't know about how the whole process really messes with your head. That's why they talk so damned much. But the odds are not in their favor-- 1 in 5 couples experiences infertility to some degree... and there are a lot of grandchildren over there.... I'm not saying, but I'm just saying it may not just be us!
So on this week we go for pictures and to verify that there is something going on in there... this is my update. Oh, and Zofran is my new best friend. Nausea is a bitch and it making me really reevaluate why I tried so hard to get in this condition in the first place.
And just as a disclaimer: we are still not telling anyone.... not that that matters to some people. But if you are reading this you probably understand where I'm coming from.
Thanks for all the good wishes, prayers and positive thoughts!
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