Waiting Around...

Today was our second OB visit with the RE.  We are officially 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant today and overall things are going well.  As of the moment I'm carrying twins.  Twin A is doing great and has been since last week's appointment. 

At today's appointment we got to measure the heartbeat which is a strong 138 beats.  The baby grew from 3mm to 9mm and overall the Dr. Park was really pleased, as were we.  And then there is Twin B.  Last week Twin B had no heartbeat and it's development was visibly behind Twin A.  Today, Twin B has a faint flicker of a heartbeat and is measuring about a week behind Twin A.  The doctor is still not convinced that Twin B is going to hang around as it's yolk sack is really large, which isn't a good thing.

Apparently, more common that not, there is a syndrome called "Vanishing Twin" and apparently we may experience this phenomenon in the next couple of weeks. 

I know it sounds strange, but at the moment I'm feeling a little more than removed from the situation, considering that at this moment both Twin A and Twin B live inside me.  For some reason it feels like they live in that little TV screen at the doctor's office. 

We have officially been released to my regular OB-Gyn and we won't see them for another 2 or 3 weeks.  I can tell Husband is worried to wait that long, not really knowing what is going on with Twin B.  They warned us that we'd feel strange going from weekly visits with the RE to monthly visits with the OB.

I'm looking at it from the position that we could go to the doctor everyday for the next week and still not know anything.  Sometimes time is the only way to get the answers we seek.  Twin B is developing slowly and that makes me think that something could be seriously wrong with that embryo and if that is the case, this is truly out of my hands and for once in my life, I'm not worried.  Nature will take it's course.

However, I am anxious to see what is going to happen and when... I'm hoping that when our OB appointment rolls around later in April, we know a little bit more...

Until then, I'm going to work on decorating the house...  you know-- wallpaper, fabric for furniture, rugs, etc.

And I Signed Up for This...

First of all, doctors can't count. Apparently I'm 7 weeks pregnant.  Last week at our 6 week visit with the RE, Dr. Park pointed out that I was officially 6 weeks and 2 days along. That was just about a week ago.  Husband was excited and later at McDonald's said to me, "Can't we just start telling people now?  I mean, you're 6 weeks pregnant.  That is almost two months!" 

Hold, wait.   I quickly asked him to rewind 6 weeks.  Were we pregnant six week ago?  No.  In fact, 6 weeks ago, a week ago we were just starting our IVF cycle.  So don't get so excited, okay.

Regardless, something else happened six weeks ago... well days before I hit the six week mark to more accurate.  Morning sickness.  I hesitate to call it that, seeing how morning sickness really isn't exclusive to the morning time. It can strike at any moment at any time for any reason whenever it feels like it.  When it first hit, I didn't really know what it was.  I didn't think it would hit this early for some reason.

The majority of what I have experienced has been nausea mixed with a healthy dose of heartburn.  And to be graphic, prolonged nausea makes my stomach breakdown, which can be just as bad as vomiting.

Today was the first day in a long time that I had very little complaint and part of me started to think that all this junk might just be behind me.  Wrong.  As I type I feel the nausea and heartburn igniting. 

This is all linked to my eating habits.  Apparently growing baby means having to eat all the time.  I've seriously considered asking for a feeding tube as I'm the type of person that eats two big meals a day and maybe a snack.  If I ever get hungry, in comes the nausea.  I have to eat literally every one to two hours and even then that is not a guarantee that the nausea will stay away... I did everything right today and I'm starting to deteriorate... (I think , it is hard to tell really)

Lately I've taken to eating breakfast, then a snack, followed by lunch.  If lunch is big enough I can make it to about 4:30 for a quick run through the drive-through for a snack or mini-supper followed by a small supper sometime later on.  Last night I was eating crackers at 1:00am because my stomach felt empty.  And an empty stomach can mean hours of laying around on the bathroom floor.

I eat defensively.  And I hate it.

Who knew that growing a person would be so draining?  I have to have an afternoon nap between mini-supper one and mini-supper two and then most nights I'm falling asleep on the couch by 10:30pm.

The toothbrush is a real bitch, mostly at night.  Last night, after getting a shower I brushed my teeth and then had to lay on the cool tile floor until the urge to up-chuck passed... wet hair and only wearing a towel.  It is a sad state of affairs... let me tell you.

And to think that a seven weeks ago we forked over a butt load of cash to actually get me in the position.  What were we thinking?

Everyone keeps telling me that this will pass and hopefully it will sooner than later.  I can take pain.  I can take torture.  Nausea is a whole different kind of story... I'm trying to hang in there.

I still can't believe that I willingly volunteered for this...

I'm Back...

Sorry for the absence folks... things have been a little hard to take these days.  It is not what you think though.  We actually got good news a little over two weeks ago from the blood tests.  For those of you familiar with the IVF process, you get to completely by-pass the whole pee on a stick thing (yea) and go straight to the blood test.

Our beta came back at a solid 300.  For a reference point, 25 is considered pregnant.  Then in two days we were to go back for more bloodwork.  That number (300) must double.  And double it did, actually it more than tripled and that was exactly what my RE wanted.

This week we go for pictures.  Sounds easy doesn't it?

But please let me assure you these last two weeks have been no cake-walk.... by no means. 

For months I've been focused on just getting a positive test.  Just a little pink line or a "congratulations, Emily!  It's positive" phone call.  That's it.  And now that we've got it, I'm at a total loss as to what to do next.

This past summer I became a walking-talking encyclopedia of reproductive information, studying nothing about pregnancy and what to expect after the pink line.

I didn't even have a plan of action for what to do once you get the pink line.  Because we did IVF, we didn't really get the luxury of keeping the news to ourselves for the first couple of weeks like other non-IVF couples.  My family knew what was going on.  His family, for the most part, knew what was going on.  Getting pregnant takes a village... and several doctors, nurses, gynecological tools, shots, microscopes, embryologists, scary procedures, and even scarier phone calls about cell division...

And after the news came out then I suddenly felt at odds-- like someone who had geared up for battle and unexpectedly won, knowing very little about what was to come next.  And angry!  It was nobodies business and I made it clear that this was not to be something we make a big deal about. Ever heard the word Miscarriage?  Ever heard the word Ectopic Pregnancy?  Blighted Ovum?  Molar Pregnancy?  So many things could go wrong and so many things are never a guarantee.  I'm an honest-to-goodness example of how things don't always turn out the way they are supposed to.  Wasn't the Clomid supposed to do the trick back last winter?  Wasn't the shots and perfectly timed interactions with the Husband supposed be just the ticket?

So I've learned to just be paranoid like my friend who is convinced that there are three black cars that follow his every move cautious. 

Husband's family didn't get the memo.  When they got the news they obviously never heard the part about "we aren't telling anyone" line.  And the rational side of me totally gets it.  It is a big deal.  Just five short years ago I was in their shoes when my favorite IVF'er finally got her Big Fat Positive.  I was ready to shout it from every roof-top.  But I also remember her reining us all back in... because it is a scary world out there.

However I have this irrational side of me.  The passive-aggressive side of me that should never be crossed.  The irrational, hormonal side that can't even sit through a Designing Women's re-run without tearing up feels robbed... a little bit violated... ignored.  How dare someone just go around spreading information that isn't supposed to be told!  I swear I really now understand how those silly 4th graders feel...

But I also think I now understand why people do unexpected things after stressful life-altering events or why they retreat from the world for a bit.  You've got to re-center.  Re-focus...

Infertility doesn't run in the Husband's family as far as I know.  They don't know about how the whole process really messes with your head.  That's why they talk so damned much.  But the odds are not in their favor-- 1 in 5 couples experiences infertility to some degree... and there are a lot of grandchildren over there....  I'm not saying, but I'm just saying it may not just be us!

So on this week we go for pictures and to verify that there is something going on in there...  this is my update.  Oh, and Zofran is my new best friend.  Nausea is a bitch and it making me really reevaluate why I tried so hard to get in this condition in the first place.

And just as a disclaimer:  we are still not telling anyone.... not that that matters to some people.  But if you are reading this you probably understand where I'm coming from.

Thanks for all the good wishes, prayers and positive thoughts!

Radio Silence

Stay tuned for updates...  I have not forgotten about my blog but I am taking some much needed time to just. be. normal.

I miss normal so much.

Have a great weekend!