It Feels Good to Feel Good...

I can't say that I've been real proud of myself the last few days.   I'm sure that the embryos in my uterus are pretty disappointed in me too.  I've been a little bit of a wreck-- an emotional wreck-- these days and all because I feel good.

I'm officially crazy.

I woke up Tuesday morning feeling great.  Rested.  Relaxed.  And I should have been because for the last few days all I did was sleep, lay around, lounge... but you know me.  Feeling good is a bad thing.

So I obsessed over how my pants were fitting a little loose and how I could walk around without feeling my ovaries sliding around on my insides.  I felt like such a fertility failure.  And then, even after a very relaxing acupuncture treatment, I still broke down and cried like a little girl.... all because I felt good.  You can't see me right now as I type but I'm shaking my own head at me.

But then I pulled myself together.  Today I called the doctor.  They told me that feeling good was okay.  It is good to feel good!

It really is too early to start this mess.

Continue to send happy thoughts our way.

Rolling on the Rolling Coaster...

If you were a fly on our wall, you'd think I'm sick.  I've done nothing but lay around the house for the sake of the two embryos that were implanted Sunday morning.  Doctor's orders... two days of rest.

Yesterday also marked my entry into the emotional roller coaster that is IVF.  The embryologist that performed the transfer had a heavy Asian accent and neither me nor the Husband could hardly understand her.  She told us, I think, that we had two really nice embryos to transfer, one being very good... and possibly one to freeze tomorrow.

One?  What happened to Friday's report that everything was going great?  My heart sunk... and then I started to obsess and worry that these two little guys that were being left under by supervision were not going to make it... because let's be honest, I have no idea how to be a normal person and just relax and go with the flow.

Regardless, I had to suck it up and before I knew it, the little guys were safely in my uterus.  I think the Husband has a whole new respect for what women go through with gynecological tools...

Then today, while I was laying in the bed feeling sorry for myself, worried that we'd have to go through all the medication and surgery again... the lab called.  The embryologist that I had been working with all last week called and said that they were going to freeze 5 embryos today!

Suddenly much of the pressure I had been putting on myself was lifted.... relief.  Not that this changes anything really, but for whatever reason, it makes me feel less stressed-- a little less crazy and a lot less overwhelmed.

Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers...  we definitely need them!

Pre-Egg Retrival Pitty Party...

So maybe being hepped up on hormone shots, watching Entertainment Tonight's in-depth coverage of Whitney Houston's funneral coming home ceremony is not such a good idea the night before an egg retrival surgery.

I'm a little bit in a egg retrival funk.  I'm going to blame it on nerves... and sleep depreviation...and my friend, Stress.  Where is the at-home acupuncture kit when you really need it?  My daddy use to tell me to never marry a farmer.  Who knew he was right-- I should have married an acupuncturist.  Then I could be sitting here on the couch with tiny needles sticking out of my forehead, hepped up on hormone shots watching Whitney Houston's funneral coverage and feeling more calm about being violated tomorrow morning and not as sad that Kevin Costner isn't a close, personal friend.  He seems like the nicest guy, doesn't he?

But the Husband is much funnier than any acpuncturist I've ever met and a sense of humor is really important when you are going through all this infertility junk. 

All I know is that I'm having a little pre-egg retrival pitty party. Poor Whitney.  Poor Me.  And for good measure, poor Michael Jackson. 

I know, I'm being a little dramatic... of course having the potential to create a baby is much better than being dead... but tomorrow I'm going to have a needle injected into a very sensative area to suck out a bunch of eggs that I worked very hard to create and I don't think Whitney is... nor MJ for that matter.

The sensible side of me knows that this will all be over before I know it.  So suck it up Emily!  Soon I'll be home resting in my super comfy bed and watching re-runs of Designing Women and the Gilmore Girls.

Send some good thoughts and prayers my way this week.  I'm going to be needing them...

Follicles are your Friends...

Today was my first monitoring appointment.  Currently around 22 little follicles are living in my ovaries.  Only a few were measured and of the few that were measured, the largest one is a 12.  I'm not sure of the increment, I'm assuming millimeters.  This is completely new to me... mega egg production.  Months ago when we started down this path the doctors having been trying to keep my production of follicles down to three.

The nurse complimented me, "You have wonderful ovaries."  That compliment, strange as it is, makes a girl feel real good. 

After my monitoring appointment and all the blood work I made my way down to acupuncture.  I really love acupuncture.  It is probably one of the most relaxing things I've ever done-- and this coming from a person that use to have monthly appointments at the spa.

Acupuncture is weird, but truly wonderful all at the same time and is defiantely one of the biggest bright spots in all this infertility junk.

Tonight we are upping our dose of medication, even though my estrogen levels are high-- like over 500.  I go back in two days to see what's what.

At this point I'm not really noticing too many changes internally, or externally.  If I sit and think about it, I feel little more prickly and heavy, if that makes sense, where my ovaries live.  But that is only if I sit still and think about it.  I'm trying not to sit and think about it.

I'm also not trying to stress over work... I'm missing a lot of work, which I hate.  I've got the sick leave time, I just hate to use up my time.  I'm a time hoarder from way back.

So, as my acupuncturist says, "treat your long deep breaths as a massage for the inside of your body."  I'm going to breath through my stress... hopefully improve my circulation and get fluids moving to where they need to be... and take a little rest, me and my 22 follicles friends.

Christmas Check-Off List..

I had acupuncture today.  While Kolleen was taking my pulse-- the customary way we start all my sessions: just after discussing my bowel habits in detail and just before she looks at my tongue's fuzz-- she asked me if I've been having trouble focusing and remembering things.  I'm not sure how taking my pulse can tell her these sort of things, but she was spot on.  Not only am I having trouble remembering things, but I'm having trouble remembering to remember to do things.

So I'm taking time to do a little reflective Christmas Check-Off List:

1. Have You Purchased All Your Christmas Presents?  Thought so, but after talking to the Sister, I found out that I have at least one more gift to purchase, probably tomorrow, for our Aunt and Uncle as well as finish stocking stuffers for the Husband.  Sister is lucky-- she just got married and is basically giving pictures as gifts...or at least that is what I would do if I had just gotten married.  In fact, five Christmas' ago I did just that! 
2. Have You Wrapped All Your Christmas Presents? No. The Christmas Gifts are not wrapped. Although many are. Remember that part above about forgetting things-- I went to Michaels' today-- twice. I was only supposed to go once-- to get what I thought then was the last few Christmas presents and tissue paper so I could start and finish wrapping presents. But I got so distracted from picking out the "last two" presents that I forgot all about the tissue paper until I had paid and was in the parking lot going to the next store for another present that I had forgotten all about. So I had to go back for the tissue paper... So soon, the presents will be wrapped and the mess on my living room floor will be cleared.
3. Have You Cleaned the House for Santa?  Nope.  But the Husband and I are planning to have a small gathering-- mostly our folks and etc., over for dessert and the best hot chocolate ever on Friday night, so probably before then I'll get to mopping and junk.  You know Santa doesn't come to messy houses?  Right?
4. Have You Done Your Holiday Shopping at the Dreaded Grocery Store?  Not yet.  I'm making a list tonight.  I hate going to the grocery store, but I'm thinking that sometime during the day tomorrow it won't be such a pain the ass to go.  I read somewhere that you are best prepared to deal with stressful situations first thing in the morning-- I suppose that is why tests (pregnancy and state standardized) are recommended for mornings. 
5. Have You Baked Anything Yet?  Not exactly, but I plan to for the 'Just Desserts' gathering.
6. Have You Decorated Your House-- Inside and Out?  Yes!  We finished last week.  I finally broke down and got greenery for the first four windows, wreaths for the kitchen windows and tear drop swags for under the coach lights by the doors.  I tied the bows and everything-- even though I don't really know how to properly tie a bow-- it probably has something to do with me being a lefty and that I never took Horticulture I in High School-- who knew that bow-tying was part of the curriculum?  From a distance you can't tell and that is all that matters.
7. Have You Gotten the Perfect Dirty Santa Gift for Christmas at Grandma's?  Yes.  I have the best gift E-V-E-R!  A pornament from Spencer Gifts-- blown glass and cute as pie-- it's Santa bending over his pile of gifts and his black thong is peaking out along with a tattoo on his cute little butt!  I think it is going to be a big hit...

Aside from ruining any chance of a Christmas surprise for the Husband, I'm feeling good about my chances of turning all the no's to yes' and I'm thinking that most likely tomorrow I'll be done with Christmas shopping and possibly Christmas present wrapping.  And it is not hard to ruin a surprise when you basically call up your husband and tell him that you are buying a J. Crew wool coat.  It wasn't meant to be a Christmas present, but try explaining that to the Husband...

I sure hope I've not forgotten anything...